Horoscopes
Updated Feb 4
| â | Aquarius | One, two, Freddy's coming for you. |
| â | Pisces | A big scam is coming your way soon. Just say no. |
| â | Aries | When there's no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth. |
| â | Taurus | They're all gonna laugh at you! |
| â | Gemini | Shop smart, shop S-Mart. |
| â | Cancer | Listen to them. The children of the night... what music they make. |
| â | Leo | Watch a violent movie today if you want to stay sane. |
| â | Virgo | If you take a dump, put it back. |
| â | Libra | We all go a little mad sometimes. |
| â | Scorpio | Today is a day to be bold. Fuck the sidewalks and walk in the street. And if you're driving, fuck the streets and drive on the sidewalk. |
| â | Sagittarius | This is no dream. This is really happening! |
| â | Capricorn | Bananas are a good source of potassium. Eat a banana this year. |