Horoscopes
Updated May 28
| â | Aquarius | If you take a dump, put it back. |
| â | Pisces | Good things come to those at the gate. |
| â | Aries | Do the world a favor and kill a clown today. |
| â | Taurus | A big scam is coming your way soon. Just say no. |
| â | Gemini | Shop smart, shop S-Mart. |
| â | Cancer | I don't think we're in Kansas anymore... |
| â | Leo | Pick on someone smaller than you. It's easier to get what you want that way. |
| â | Virgo | You are one ugly motherfucker |
| â | Libra | Choose hugs, not drugs. Choose both if you can. |
| â | Scorpio | You may need more fiber in your diet. It might explain why pooping feels off lately. |
| â | Sagittarius | Beauty is in the eye when you hold her. |
| â | Capricorn | Indulge in a bad habit, and do it recklessly. Drugs, sex, or alcohol. But not all three. Two out of three is okay though, but if you do all three, something bad is going to happen, guaranteed. |