Horoscopes
Updated Sat
| â | Aquarius | Remember to look both ways before crossing the street. Somehow, people still die from stupid shit like this. |
| â | Pisces | Be extremely superstitious today. Avoid black cats, breaking mirrors, cracks in the sidewalk, etc, etc... Or else you will die. Eventually. |
| â | Aries | Don't judge a cover of a book by its look. |
| â | Taurus | If you feel fat, then exercise already. |
| â | Gemini | To know death, @, you have to fuck life in the gall bladder. |
| â | Cancer | It's all in the reflexes. |
| â | Leo | This is no dream. This is really happening! |
| â | Virgo | A chain is only as long as its longest strong chain. |
| â | Libra | Donuts don't wear alligator shoes |
| â | Scorpio | Looks like we need two turnips in heat. |
| â | Sagittarius | I don't think you're happy enough. I'll teach you to be happy. I'll teach your grandmother to suck eggs. |
| â | Capricorn | Kill everyone now! Condone first degree murder! Advocate cannibalism! Eat shit! |